Love Letters to Tennessee

13 February 2023 Dear Tennessee, It’s me.    Today is the two hundred and twenty-fifth day since you left this earth.    I miss you every day.    Some more than others. It's been a four months since my last letter to you.  I haven't forgotten you, it is just that the need to write is getting less frequent.  I have a lot to tell you.  I started chair yoga, meditation and now follow a raw vegetable diet.  I also limit my alcohol to once or twice a week.  You would be so proud of me.  I have lost weight and my diabetes is under much better control.  I no longer need basal insulin. About a month ago I decided I needed to get away.  You remember how much we used to travel together.  I wanted to see if I could do this again without you.  Of course, it is possible.  Make plane and hotel reservations, arrive on time at the airport and get on the plane.  That part is easy.  Emotionally leaving home, be...

 14 October 2022 Dear Tennessee, It’s me.    Today is the one-hundred and third day since you left this earth.    I miss you every day.    Some more than others. You know I always loved our mountain retreat.  So last Tuesday I hired a company to move the important things up here.  The compressor you and mom bought me, my rollaway, miscellaneous items, all of which took up a 25 foot trailer.  It was a relief to finally get up here and enjoy the home we loved so much in the Summertime.  For me, I will see how I fare the winters.   Lexi and Stella are good.  I start volunteering soon with Lexi in hospice care.  She is the greatest dog and my faithful companion, helping me deal with losing you.  While cleaning out our desert home, she would find areas or things where your clothing or personal items kept.  Lexi sniffed these areas for a long time hoping to somehow find you.  She knows you are gone, but ...

17 September 2022 Hello Tennessee, It’s me.    Today is the seventy-sixth day since you left this earth.    I miss you every day.    Some more than others.  Today is one of those days. I'm home now.  I say home because it is the house we lived together for 20 of the nearly 30 years since we were married.  I thought I was getting better.  But today, grief hit me like a ton of bricks.  Maybe it is the memories stored here.  Pieces of your jewelry, photos, the smell of the bed, things your purchased and had good intentions of using, but now will go to someone else.  I hope they appreciate them.   I can't work anymore today.  Partly because my back is sore, but mostly because my heart exploded with grief this afternoon.  I feel like I just want to go to bed but Lexi is so comfortable up there I don't want to disturb her.  Losing you is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Just when I th...

03 September 2022 Hello Tennessee, It’s me.    Today is the sixty-second day since you left this earth.    I miss you every day.    Some more than others. Sorry I have not written in a while.  I write to help ease my grief which has been better over the last week.  Not to say I have stopped grieving you.  I think about you often and the tears still come.  It is just that I am able to cope with missing you a little better.  I will always miss you.  My heartbreak of losing you just gets easier to manage.  But every now and again it grabs me and wrenches my heart. I am learning a lot about how to manage losing you.  I know you prepared me for the loss, but nothing prepared me for the actual moment you took your last breath.  I remember it precisely.  It's as if your passing was just yesterday.  I doubt I will ever forget the way you passed.  Sometimes I wake up at 3:30 am and reach for you but to my d...

24 August 2022 Hello Tennessee, It’s me.    Today is the fifty-second day since you left this earth.    I miss you every day.    Some more than others. I was listening to a self-help audiobook today and heard an interesting thought.  Marriage does not come with a black box.  You know those black boxes on commercial aircraft that everybody looks for when the plane crashes.  They contain all the flight history in infinite detail.  Crash investigators comb through millions of data points, voice recordings and other measurements to understand what went wrong.  If only we could do this with relationships when one party passes. I have learned I must do something similar with myself.  I have to examine my body, my mind and my soul so I can live with myself.  I also must comb through the facts of our relationship and question them.  Was I fair to you?  Did I take the time to really understand your feelings, or was everyt...

22 August 2022 Hello Tennessee, It’s me.    Today is the fiftieth day since you left this earth.    I miss you every day.    Some more than others. Last Saturday I went to the stage where they have music near the equestrian center.  I was saddened because normally we would go together and dance.  But you were not there to dance with.  I remembered the times we danced together.  I thought of those moments and vividly remember how much you enjoyed dancing.  After all, that's how we met.   They got rid of that old creaky dance floor and replaced it with a strong concrete pad. Nobody was dancing.  If you were there, we would be the first ones down on the floor.  Dancing and loving and living life. I remember how much you loved to dance.  I ask myself if I took you out enough.  Could I have taken you more often or danced longer with you.  I wonder if I listened intently to you or if I treated you well....