Marriage Doesn’t Come With a Black Box

24 August 2022

Hello Tennessee,

It’s me.  Today is the fifty-second day since you left this earth.  I miss you every day.  Some more than others.

I was listening to a self-help audiobook today and heard an interesting thought.  Marriage does not come with a black box.  You know those black boxes on commercial aircraft that everybody looks for when the plane crashes.  They contain all the flight history in infinite detail.  Crash investigators comb through millions of data points, voice recordings and other measurements to understand what went wrong.  If only we could do this with relationships when one party passes.

I have learned I must do something similar with myself.  I have to examine my body, my mind and my soul so I can live with myself.  I also must comb through the facts of our relationship and question them.  Was I fair to you?  Did I take the time to really understand your feelings, or was everything just about me.  I admit I was not always fair nor understanding.  There were times when you told me to listen to you, or that I did not understand.  It reminds me of a conversation between pilot and co-pilot.  The plane is going down and they are not listening to each other.  One simple tap of the controls could have saved the flight from impending doom.  But the pilot thought he was right.  All the passengers and crew were lost.  Now I am not saying we had a bad relationship.  In fact, it was an excellent one.  But since I don't have a marriage black box to replay all those conversations, I can only remember it from my perspective.  I have to ask myself, was my point of view too frequently selfish.  It's as if we are in marriage counseling but I am the patient as well as the psychologist and you are not there to speak your mind.

This is a necessary process.  I have to ask myself questions and doubt my opinions as well as my actions.  I find myself rationalizing my bad behavior.  I justify it by convincing myself that I took good care of you.  Yes, I took good care of your needs.  But was I there emotionally when you needed me?  It is hard for me to mentally extrapolate my words and actions because I don't have this marriage black box.  Only my one channel memory recording of a stereo relationship.  Some of my words were unkind.  I said some mean things in anger and self-pity.  I admit there were times when I was selfish and for this I apologize. Please forgive me.

Of course you will, because you always forgave me. No matter the size of the offence, you found absolution in your heart.  Sometimes it took a day of so.  There were times though when you needed to stay mad at me for a while.  But you always came along beside me and after a sufficient amount of penance, I was again allowed to pleasure of your love and company.  I love you and thank you for this.

I must look at myself and try to change bad behavior before I can learn to live alone with myself.  This self examination process allows me to be at peace with the beauty of what we had and not feel guilty about my shortcomings.  I must make improvements to my mind, body and soul.  I just wish I would have done this sooner.

Love,

Greg

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