I thought I was getting better

17 September 2022

Hello Tennessee,

It’s me.  Today is the seventy-sixth day since you left this earth.  I miss you every day.  Some more than others.  Today is one of those days.

I'm home now.  I say home because it is the house we lived together for 20 of the nearly 30 years since we were married.  I thought I was getting better.  But today, grief hit me like a ton of bricks.  Maybe it is the memories stored here.  Pieces of your jewelry, photos, the smell of the bed, things your purchased and had good intentions of using, but now will go to someone else.  I hope they appreciate them.  

I can't work anymore today.  Partly because my back is sore, but mostly because my heart exploded with grief this afternoon.  I feel like I just want to go to bed but Lexi is so comfortable up there I don't want to disturb her.  Losing you is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Just when I thought I was ready to start consolidating, I am thinking now, maybe this was a mistake.

Don't get me wrong.  I love Pinetop and won't miss our desert home.  But I will forever forlorn for your companionship.  It happened this morning as I went to the dog park.  The place where we would walk laps together and you would tell me how boring that walk was becoming.  But, still you strived for two laps or even three, the extra lap fearing you would one day not be able to make it.  Unfortunately, you predicted your future.  Now as I slowly plod around the dog park, I think of you and miss you tremendously. It is too painful to take that extra lap.  I imagine you taking it for me.  It seems nowadays, that everything I do is painful and tears me apart.  I can't find anything that gives me joy.  

At least I have the dogs.  They were a good choice, thank you.

Love,

Greg

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